Ok, now that my ego has had its time to heal and feel bad, it is time to shed some light on this….
Ultimately, no world outside us exists so part of me must have unconsciously created this. But how and why? What question did I put out there that answered in this way?
Bring in the light!
It is saturday and tomorrow I will be packing my bags and going back home. Today Kevin is working most of the day and thus it leaves me some time to ponder and reflect on this past week. The weather is still very warm here and I can hear the first people cooling down in the pool beneath my room. I try to avoid putting on the airconditioner as much as possible and cool down the natural way in the water. At night I keep the door to the oustside open and even if it is a bit more noisy and warm, it gives me the fresh air that I need to breath.
So what had this week been all about? Well, it has been pretty obvious that the main theme has been: selfworth!… Not surprisingly two days before I left, Walter and I went to a lecture in Deventer and on the way back we were talking about creating a more abundant life, to make the concerts we do fill up effortlessly and what part of myself was blocking the full flow to appear and run through my life. I continued by making a ‘dangerous’ suggestion to the Universe, that I do not recommend anyone to try. I have seen requests like this asked and answered in the past and since there is no ‘judgment’ of good and bad in the Universe from which we come, you will get it exactly as you asked…without any regard of what it might do.
My statement was (and is)…. I am ready for abundance and anything and everything that is blocking this fulll abundance and joy in my life to be present, I would like to solve and see NOW. Please show me what is blocking this so I can move past it…. Of course in the heat of the moment I was so passionate about moving forward I forgot to add: with ease, grace and simplicity. If you even ever consider making a statement like this (which again I do not recommend), the last addition is impertinent.
I have already written that abundance, love and selfsworth are intriguitely connected. So it would be no surprise if this cosmic glitz with Kevin was partly caused by my question, and poor Kevin being used as a tool in this awareness. This is, by the way, exactly the reason why I don’t recomment anyone asking a question as firm as I did….because…you see….there is always a reason why that what you think you need is not showing up in your life. Mostly (and that is what the spirit bootcamp is all about), because we do not know there is a reason why the body has decided NOT to want to change something needed to get there…..and ususally this is because there is another need in the body that we are not aware off..and that unconscious pattern or need is too painful to look at and thus move past. So the one thing that is usually standing in the way of you experiencing that wish….is a block in your system that would do anything BUT move past that tiny little awareness and oh so painful realisation… Since it is very painful for us to realize that in the end only we ourselves stand in the way of being happy all the time, we put the blame on another person, object or event in our lives…and it is done so well, that there is no doubt in the mind that you are right to blame the other person, object or situation.
Perhaps that is what has been happening here. I want to experience that I am worthy to receive and move past any limitations within me that are keeping me from experiencing that. And I asked (as I have learned) to be shown what it is, so that I can make a conscious decision whether I want to change it or not. I urge, again, anyone that wants to try this, to really ask to be shown, before clearing it. Otherwise you will get what you asked for and be very upset that life just seemed to be handing you problems, instead of realizing it was the solution! It is the mind that has a problem with a solution that does not fit our agenda.
So anyways…doesn’t it make perfext sense? The last couple of months have been all about taking care of myself so that abundance can flow. To love yourself enough to never do anytihng that hurts or affects the body in a negative way and only do and act with that which makes the body jump with joy. So the day after this statement to the Universe, the bleeding started…the first chance for me to choose my body over anything else…but I didn’t because I was spiritualy raised that the ’cause’ in my lightwork always comes first..so I follow what is needed despite my personal needs. Then I arrive and am confronted with someone that is showing me, what life is like when you do not l isten to your own needs, but instead make money a priority. Thėn I am shown that I am willing to compromise wherever I can, not to hurt of upset anyone…apparantly not being clear enough..I am shown how I am unable to ask for the things I really need. And lastly that I am willing to see every last bit of good in someone else, but in the process further compromising my own needs and not focus on why someone should be lucky enough to be with me in the first place! How would it be if I can see who I truly am? The other would have no choice but to do all in their power to make me feel comfortable and happy.
So I can see where Kevin has been a huge master in showing me, as a few other people have been in my life in the last couple of months. And I can see how hard it is to see this worth in myself. i can see how easy it is to lay the blame of providing me with the selfworth in someone else…and we all agree: it wasn’t me, he is the one that screwed up! This guy should be kissing my feet for what I have done for him, and who I am!
But honestly…. Isn’t that calling the kettle black? How in the world can he reflex something I do not yet believe myself? How can he love me, the way I think he should love me, if I not show, ask, state but most importantly: believe that it is true?….. If he is being my mirror he is only showing me that Even though I surely wish I felt that way about myself, obviously I don’t (or didn’t). He can’t fix that for me…I CAN!
I have been oblivious to the truth beyond my ego…. That is just reflecting my inner thoughts…I don’t think I am worthy of a love that I think I deserve but don’t believe I deserve. Kevin has done nothing but reflect that…and once I realized this and for once and for all chose to work on my selfworth and not take anything less as truth…..(even though it is an ongoing process)…. Only after all this, in comes Kevin yesterday, telling me, he took the whole day off to be with me….
And in further realizing this the last day together has been amazing.
Aaah…yes…at last the truth…it WAS me all along….. :-)….
And now it is time to change my return flight and add some expenditures to my ticket, to manifest that I am worth more then a crappy seat in tourist class,
Or in the Ho’oponopono (hawaiian) tradition: ….thank you (for showing me this)!….I am sorry (for whatever part in me has caused this)…. Forgive me….I love you (for you are the other me).