Yesterday I had a belated birthday party to celebrate my mother’s birthday. I had been looking forward to this. My sister, my mom and me would paint something.. just as a creative project to do when being together.
We had fun and were relaxed enough to just ‘ be’ around eachother. During the day my sister told me she had a headache and that struck me somehow. I almost felt like she shouldn’t have come if she wans’t ok. I know she struggles with severe headaches sometimes. But I didn’t take more notice then usual of my feelings towards her pain. It wasn’t until later that day that I myself started developing a headache and I started wondering why I had taken over her headache. By the time my sister left, I felt my head exploding from the inside
Starting to feel less and less good, I wanted to go home but also felt my mother’s need for company. I didn’t want to leave her alone for I could feel she needed the company and I want to be there for my mom as she is always there for me. Besides.. you start realizing your time with your parents isn’t endless and I should enjoy the time I have with her. My mom used some of her magic on me to make the headache less and I could only hope my sister was feeling a little better.
But feeling not so good I decided to go home after a while anyways. On my way home I started relecting on the day and wonderling why I had taken on the headache. I started to see how it had struck me deeper then expected that my sister wasn’t feeling well. … Looking back I could see that I felt somewhere inside responsible for her feeling better. I could feel how I desperately wished for my sister not to have pain and how NOT ‘ ok’ it felt to me that she wasn’t feeling well….. somehow along those lines I also felt that I needed to take of her.. so that she wouldn’ t have pain. And my mom not to feel lonely. It almost felt like it was up to me to fix this……
Jeeeeeezzzz.. if I felt so responsible for them.. no wonder I took on their stuff.. but why on earth would I feel responsible??? It was not up to me to ‘ fix’ it…. I could see that this pattern has been with me the longest time without me even being fully aware of it. As a child I would feel responsible if things didn’t go right….I neeeded to fix. it. My heart would hurt if others hurt.
But taking this further I could see how , clients, students, friends and more .. I had done the same thing: taken it upon me for them to get better …. and feeling failure within me if I did not succeed…… So many litlle ‘aha’s’ followed in my mind and I decided now was the time to let go.
I went to a nature connected place and acknowledged what I had done, and why I had done it and that it was now time to let go…. I gave this ressponsibility back to the world and realized that in taking this responsibility on, I had not only made my life heavier, but also not seen that with this I had taken away my trust in others to fix it themselves.. somehow in my mind twist I believed that without my help they could not succeed.. not because they weren’t capable of doing so.. but because it was my responsibility…. And I knew.. how ridiculous my ideas had been… however well intended….. I give it back…. and I trust and believe that eacht and every human is very capable of finding their way just fine with out me!!.
I needn’t worry… except about me taking responsibility for taking responsibility for taking care of me……..