Today I went to visit a business contact in reference to the Joint Vision of Humanity. It was someone I had met before and has been energetically weaving in and out several times the last years but we never got to really connect face to face. Today was that day and after about an hour or two of meeting we both said goodbye without fully understanding what is was we had connected for… but I guess both in trust that it will unfold in good time….

Driving home I was pondering on my insecurities and how the conversation had gone in every which way accept the way I had envisioned or hoped it would go… so I was somewhat disappointed and set back by the awkwardness of the meeting in which I didn’t feel I was able to connect. So my head was spinning in circles trying to figure out what I had done wrong (always a bad way to start a conversation with yourself by the way). And in that process digging myself a deeper hole each thought that went through my mind. The company I was with probably feeling me getting more depressed by the minute.

I started wondering why lately I had been so self conscious and unable to stand my ground. How I believe so deeply in what I do and wish this so profoundly, yet being unable to put this big wheel in motion…. again…. getting less and less in a positive spirit with each thought. At some point I literally said to my company in the car, and believed it wholeheartedly, that is was perhaps better to forget about doing any kind of promotion. Internally I was however much further adrift thinking it was best to quit the Joint Vision completely…..

But a thought kept wiggling its way into my mind: there were instances that I had completely been in my power… and now i was not….. what changed??? what was there that wasn’t here now…. it took me a phone call and some deeper diggin’ to find the answer under my nose.

I need a man!!… And no.. I know what you are thinking and no…. that is not what I mean.. I am not in need of a relationship or intimacy as a couple… but I need a partner. A business partner. A man… A man because currently I am trying to be both man and woman.. and in an ideal world I would be both equally… I would be balanced in masculine and feminine within… but apparently I am not.. no matter how much I try…

And in the Joint Vision I have made a solemn oath: no more drama!!…no more changing, no more bettering myself …. no more….. and sometimes I am able to live that and sometimes I realize I fall back to the drama I know……In order to ‘fix’ the missing link within me.. I would have to further confirm I am not perfect and in need of fixing… further stressing the need for imperfection to become perfect…

So let’s just say.. I am perfect … just as I am… my qualities exactly where they need to be…. what do I need….? SO the answer was…: a man…. a man that wants to be and work alongside me to create this worldwide network of heartconnected lightworkers. One that doesn’t need the drama… doesn’t need to change the world…. but is willing to trust and surrender into the process…

It felt deeply within me as a sigh of relief…. this ‘man’ person…. was exactly what had made my previous power moments so beautiful. The combined energies creating a balance beyond words…. but these same man had also needed to put themselves first, their ego’s pampered and importance established… and mostly they fought for this with me… and I let them win…. because for me when their is a fight for power…. no one can ever truly ‘win’….. mistakenly I had then understood I was not to work with others and perhaps in my minds eye seen confirmed I did not need ‘man’ in my life and have shut down the only thing that can unburden my load to share more…

A man.. along side me…. not wanting to be in front, or needing to say behind… right beside me.. as a partner… not a lover….

Suddenly I realized the two paths that lay before me: the one in which we possess everything we need and we no longer search for anything in others…. a world where you can completely function alone.. or so it seems.. but also a path in which you need to ‘work’ to get there… because if you are not experiencing complete happiness right now.. there is work to be done……and consequently this is also a very isolated path… I have experienced this path… It has brought me much and up till now I would have believed it to be where I need to go..

And then there is the path of knowing that whatever imperfection lie within you.. whatever is less then perfect, what is damaged or removed.. what has not had a cahnce to develop or has been killed before it bloomed.. what ever scars and whatever uglyness you see within yourself…. it is AAAALL perfect.. because your imperfections are the perfections of others. Your wounds are the healing for others.. the things you miss is what others have to give…  consequently this is the path of sharing and connection… and let me be clear this is NOT a path of co-dependancy-like relationships in which we cannot function without the other… in which we ‘need’ the other to complet us…. good heavens.. no…… this is the path in which you are perfect and in acknowledging your perfection you invite others to join you with their perfections.. and together we are whole and we are one… as individuals and as a whole humanity…
We need each other to be who we are so we can shine as we are…

I had unwillingly shut the door on ‘needing’ and man particularly.. and now it is ready to open these doors again… To ‘need’ help… to acknowledge when you alone are only a one-legged run. Until now I have pulled the weight of both man and woman together making me strong but also vulnerable, making me tough but also hard.

I need a man..not to comfort me of pay my bills.. not to bare my children or to make love to me… I need a man so that I can let go of the tough and strong for that is a mans trade… and I can be tender and soft.. which is a womans trade .

So yes, I need a man…. not to make me perfect.. or to find me perfect.. but I need a man that can make my perfection shine

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