Pheasants in the fast lane

A while back I was heading to a training job I was doing. It was a job not to far from where I live, something I was good at, enjoyed doing and paid very reasonable. So I was in a relatively optimistic and joyful mood when I entered the expressway. Relative only to the hour of the day in which I had to be in my car to get there on time. 

I was just about 10 minutes on my way, listening to the radio and all in all a very good mood when I noticed something moving up back and forth on the expressway in front of me… I couldn’t quite make out what it was but it seemed to be some kind of leaf, albeit a rather large leaf. I took my foot off the gaspedal to make sure it wasn’t anything really big and even though I was slowing down.. the thing in front of me was vast approaching. Getting closer it become easier to see. It was a pheasant in distress and it didn’t take me long to find out why. ON the road lay another pheasant, most likely this pheasants mate, splattered minutes earlier. The sight itself was distressing but the panic and need for action in the eyes of the other pheasant was making my stomach turn. He was pacing back and forth, trying to get close to it’s mate that lay on the concrete, but unable to get much closer because of all the traffic approaching and passing by. He was clearly afraid but also determined to get to his dear friend. 

I was slowing down more to avoid him and put light around him and his mate, but my response came too late. The car in front of me, obvious had not seen, or cared enough to slow down and hit the poor pheasant head on.  I hadn’t want to see that and I didn’t want it to end this way…. I was angry at the driver in front of me, but another thought, more prominent on my mind, took a hold of me much stronger than even my anger: love.

It has now been a few weeks but the image in my mind is still as fresh as morning dew. I still see the look in the eye of the pheasant and it’s distress. It was clear that this birds need to get to it’s partner was grave and won from any thoughts of avoiding his own imminent death. The love that radiated from this image was beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time. How could something so beautiful as the love between these animals, be so brutely ended by our need for speed, advancement and our general attitude of being above it all.

In Michigan, where I often come, just before deer season, you can find many many deer along the road.. killed by our fast approaching cars, no match for our heavy cars and high speed. People in Michigan mostly have become accustomed to it and even see them as a ‘pest’ which makes hunting them ‘ok’. Funny enough because they are with so many, in Michigan eating deer meat is seen as something for crazy hunters and people with no money. ‘Regurlar’ people rather eat beef, while here in Holland, deer is a delicacy that is served usually only in the harvest season. The same goes for the pheasant in Holland, by the way.

The image of the love between them stuck with me and outweighed the sadness of their loss…. like the ending of Aida, a love that would overcome time. A reminder that love is for ever and beyond life itself. But also the pain and perhaps suffering that comes with such a love. A reminder for myself to stay in that love and to remember that beautiful need to take care of eachother and to be with the other, no matter what. A reminder that animals know love, express love and care. A reminder that they too know fear and conquer. A reminder that we are not above anything, we are just faster and more ignorant to the beauty that lays in all that we are if we don’t focus on thinking, if we are not in a hurry and when we don’t try so damn hard to do something, be someone and get somewhere. A reminder to take life as it comes, and remember that love is stronger than any obstacle. It connects, it shares, it bonds and it goes far beyond time and space.

I choose that as my frame of reference for that day as I did my training. Not the money, not because I was good at it, or that I didn’t have to travel for hours… But the need to connect, the love that runs in every action on this world, even if in most cases it looks on the surface to be movement in the opposite direction. Love grows with love. Hate grows with hate. In the end, our expression of hate, is our hunger for love….. it just takes looking a little deeper beyond what people do, into who people are.

Two cars hit and killed the physical bodies of two birds that day. The image of what it represented has been imprinted in my mind and will stay with me forever. 

 

 

 

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Diamond Heart Awareness

A while back I was asked by an inner voice, to start writing again…so i did…this led me to understand much more about Heart Awareness…so much indeed that it felt ready to be shared with the world.

This came to be as a intensive/retreat as a follow up the Diamond Light training I give. 4 beautiful souls believed in me so much, they embarked on this journey with me. They trusted me to guide them and they had faith I could. Perhaps more then i knew thwt i could…. I could feel i could ….. Perhaps…….but I didn’t know.

I will share more later but i am still wrapping my head around the fact that everything is different now. After one week of Diamond Heart Awareness and activating the heart frequencies, everything i am has changed…I became myself again… But not only did the way I think change…but they way I act, the way I am…and even my body is changing fast…..it feels like a roallercoaster of authenticity to the core of who i am…unchanges by filters, programms, manipulation, dna and blueprint restrictions…. My heart is open and live is freedom…finally my life is not being run by anything but directed by my heart…

But it is different then I had imagined or thought..because everything I had read about it is different from what I am experiencing… And the biggest difference is: THIS IS REAL… Right here…right now…. It affects everything in me and around me and everyone as well….it isn’t s fantasy or a dream…it isn’t about being loving or pefect…it is about being me…very simple…but oh so amazing when it becomes real…it feels like a baby step in my awareness and a world of difference in how it affect my life…

Not sure what it all means and where it will lead….but i know and feel that I am leading…and that feels fantastic…

One small step in being me…one giant leap for celebrating life!

Whooooheeeeee….

Perfection

It is exceptionallly warm in Holland. In contrast to the extreme cold spring that we had, we now got what we wished for: a long and warm summer…. But we wouldn’t be Dutch if we didn’t find a reason to complain about that….because now, of course, it is too warm for most…

Luckily I live by the water and therefor I am blessed with the opportunity to go to the water whenever I see fit. Yesterday I went to the beach and enjoyed thouroughly how I could just decide to walk to it whenever I wanted. I never really go to the beach and sitting there yesterday I asked myself…why in the world not?

It was because of my sister, her husband and my niece, that I went there that day. To join them for some cool breeze and water when temperatures were rising beyond 37 degrees Celsius. I was sitting there at a perfectly breezed beach, wet out of the water, enjoying being there..when I turned to my sister:
‘Amazing, isn’t it?’, I said to my her, while her husband Lutz was in the water with Sofie, pushing eachother on and off the small air matrass they were floating on.
‘Yes’, my sister responded… ‘You really created a perfect place to live’.
She sounded almost as if she was confirming a need for me to hear how perfect I live… But my question was profound. I that moment I really was dumbfounded when I realized how amazing it really was for me to live there.
‘I don’t think living like this, leaves any wishes unanswered, right?’…she continued..

I had to really think about that, because my first response was that OFCOURSE there were still many thinks to wish….but while I was watching the water light up with every little wave that caught the reflection of the sun and with the breeze brushing my face…I just couldn’t think of anything…..nothing…… Because it seemed ridiculous NOT to wish anything, for my life sure didn’t feel perfect…I added casuallly that I wanted a boat..maybe….as I shrugged my shoulders…
‘Do you really miss having a boat?’, my sister wondered…
Without thinking I answered: ‘No, not really……but something to wish for …eventually’…

We both fell silent….nothing left to add….and in the silence I took a look at myself. 40 years of age..working hard to make money, built a business, reach people to share the Diamond Light, working in the most amazing of environments at Rhederoord, where I can take daily walks in the national forest, enjoy a beautiful luxurious space and still live in a quiet little holiday place that offers anything you can wish for amongs cows and foul. Water nearby and amazing places to be.

What in the world am I working for, if I already feel I have the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? For what reason do I do the things I do…if life is already perfect …just as it is…..I remains a mystery to me….. Why I keep wanting to work so hard when all I have to do is stop to look that I already have it all….the challenge of my life is not to create perfection…it is to enjoy the perfection I created!

But then I think of rent, bills, wanting to share something with the world. I think of newsletters, advertisements, thinks to do..and places to visit…and the moment is lost… But I hope by writing it down I create a little eternity of this feeling…. So I will remember that it isn’t about the means,,,they are only a way to the end,…. And for me to keep that end in mind as my point of reference…right here…on a beautiful day, at a beautiful beach with my family around me and opportunities to be perfect…just as I am…just as it is…

Magic

Today I walked the magical forests of ‘National Park De Veluwezoom’, or as I prefer to call it: the woods of Rhederoord. Even though a forest would be more appropriate I guess, with its trees and lush hills covered in golden brown leaves.

Sometimes I just stand still and imagine that in another realm or parallel universe, there are tiny houses just beyond the trees where little people gather and live in total harmony and love for their forest. I savour that feeling…. But then something pulls me back in THIS reatlity where I need to keep track of time (because I have appointments), where I am going (so I don’t get lost), and have to worry about the ranger (that checks if I keep my dog on a leash).

Sometimes I wish I could tell the forest-ranger that I am not someone thinking it convienant to let my dog run, and that I am not one that just doesn’t care about the rules. I wish I could explain to him, that the forest called me to walk in it….. to make it lighter and wake it up. For it has been sleeping for quite sometime and every day it calls me to make another walk to share our gifts. It tells me where to go and always brings me back home. Desite my fear of getting lost. The forest tells me when to put my dog on leash and when he can wonder free. When I follow the ranger, my dog disaggrees and lets me know. When I follow the call of my hearts connection to the woods, she relaxes and follows along. How do I tell the ranger that, if perhaps he himself would deem me disturbed for claiming such a bond …….. and perhaps I am…

All I know that the past year and a half, this forest has come to life. More vibrant, happy and radiating then it has in a long time…It wasn’t just me..and I don’t want a medal nor do I think the world will ever acknowledge this silent love in action…but I really wish I wouldn’t be bound by silly rules that were rightfully put in place for people that stamp through nature, yell and scream as if they were at home without ever connecting to this beautiful field of empowerment. I feel as much a ranger of this forest -allbeit on a more energetic level-. I didn’t study for it. No organization or government appointed me… I was called by the trees, plants, animals and ground that live here on this precious piece of earth.

Today I ignored the rules and let my dog wonder free where I was told to go. At the end of my walk we ended up by a beautilfull tree that was still standing here when I visited it last. But now it was cut in several pieces. I somehow didn’t morn for the tree as I usually do, for I felt there was a reason it was cut down. Perhaps the storm had damaged it or surrounding trees needed their space to grow. Even though I know nature makes no mistakes and we need never intervene in a wisdom beyond what our minds can comprehend…it still felt ok…

I looked at the tree that had lost part of is coat during the cut down. The beautiful bast was stripped at portions of its stem. The bare yellow gold curvy wood was reveiled that looked like baybskin so pure. I just had to touch and feel this wood and imagined that this is what a carpenter must feel in his love for wood. I sat there holding the wood for a while when I felt this lifeforce crawl up my body. My until then tired and sad body became alive…

In my mind I could hear the tree say: thank you for taking my life force. My purpose would be in vain if I was not able to gift that what I am, and was, to the next generation. I am not dead when you cut me down. But I loose my connection to the all and slowly my lifeforce dissipates. I was cut down before I had a chance to transfer my wisdom to the ground and surrounding trees. I never had a chance to adjust my field to give all that I am to all that remains, so nothing has been in vain.

The story of the cherry tree in ‘Anastasia and the Ringing Ceders’ came to mind and I realized from what I read there…to make its purpose fullfilled I needed to open myself up to receive the tree’s gift…..so I sat there…holding the tree and feeling this huge power and love be downloaded into my system. I didn’t feel tired or sad anymore…just fool of being.

I also felt even though the tree was happy for me to take his gift of life, I felt I could also help anchor this energy into the ground and thus the roots of others trees… to make the circle of life complete. When I felt all was done for a moment I could see the forest through the eyes of a tree… A beautiful network of life connected. No tree more important than the other, no tree different from the other… All connected in a huge network of life.

I walked on and felt full of life and especially love for that around me. More determined then ever to share this gift all throughout the forest…when I am so asked…I hope I will be as brave as I was today to ignore the ranger and follow the call of nature.

Silence of time

Wow!!.. It really has been months since I actually sat down to write a blog. I saw so many around me start and expand their blog and was confronted with so much information and words and wisdom that seem to be thrown at us at a daily basis that I try felt overwhelmed by all this and didn’t feel the need to add with more words….

It seems that when I start something, and I see others choosing a similar path.. instead of embracing this I tend to want to stop what I am doing for I see no further use. And so it has been the last few months.. a proces of elimination… daily the belief in me grows that I am no longer wanting to be seen, addressed and associated with a term called ‘spiritualism’. For me personally it has become a monster that we all feel drawn to because it offers us the new religion of love and light by following certain words and doing many many many many processes…

As I read online one day: you could say I am a recovering spirtualist. And as for any other addiction, you can never be without this need for the substance of your addiction, so I guess I will always feel an inner need to be spiritual because perhaps it represents the most basic need of human kind: love.

However the way to love has been described in millions of books, lectures, methods, healings and so forth…. and I have witnessed spiritualism as a way to love by judging what is wrong with us, your life, you neighbours, and those who don’t believe as you do…for our way is THE way to love… and it is the latter that has made me wonder what in the world gives us the right to judge anyone?…. So I have said it time and again.. this needs to stop by me stoppig judgment.. and this stops… by me stopping judging that I judge!!!!!!.. I judge people all the time… this blog is full of judgment and judgment of judgment!….

All we seem capable of is judging eachother, life in general, the government, our neighbours and our beliefs….

I see how people blindly follow leaders that offer a way to end the suffering of your constant judgement. They offer it through processes, beautiful words, music, prayers and much more. But if we look at the teachers themselves they are not free of judgement, not in the least close to being love and I am no better.

It is not the leaders that lead that hurt me.. it is the people that follow them.

I wish I could tell people: wake up!!! Don’t follow anyone because it numbs the pain.. or because it offers temporary relief….. wake up!!! if you are being offered a proces to better yourself.. then ultimately you are, ever so lovingly, told there is something WRONG with you as you are now… and how in the world can this world move beyond time and jugement if what we belief we are is NOT ready, NOT good enough and a work in progress???

Wake up people… spirituality is nothing more then a blanket of warmth over a freezing night…. don’t use a blanket.. turn up the heat.. or better yet.. generate your inner heart to make you warm even in the coldes of nights.. otherwise you will always be hiding under the covers.. waiting for a better day.

Wake up Iris…who are you if you didn’t judge your judgement so much….how would I feel if I knew that what I am is just about as perfect as it gets….would I still have a need to feel anything but perfect in the moment…just as it is…..?

Getting on my feet

Much has been changing within me.. although to the outside world I remain quiet. It seems an energetic change has swooped through this planet makng it easier to breath… I am sure it is just my perception but the un-coming of the spring felt part of this. Now I can see it is finally time for nature to wake up in this new reality that is here. Hard to imagine and see, when everyone stll pretends nothing has changed and it is business as usual. But it is not.. something is very different and i have to remind myself constantly that the reality I perceived to be true might not be the reality I am actually in… of course in doing so… creating much of the havock and depression I have been feeling.
There is no such thing as bad situations and the body turning against you.. so this all had a purpose and my stubborness to let go of reality as I knew it… it the same thing that is causing me to be stuck in between worlds (or realities)…

One of the inner feelings I kept denying is my practice in Rhederoord. My earthly body had no attachement to it and because of the cost of it, was more then ready to let go of it ASAP. My cousin and joint-renter….. felt the same.. and even though thhis might have provided a perfect situation, because we both had different ideas to fix it… we were getting sucked deeper away from a solution. At the time I was feeling so bad about life that I knew I couldn’t fix antyhing yet because at that time it would have been out of a sheer need to break from the world.

But once I started feeling a little better… and the attacks on my person came to a hold… I could feel that there was only one way to go: follow my heart… and my heart said it wasn’t time to leave Rhederoord just yet….. but it was time to say goodbye to co-renting with my cousin. He had to move on on his path… and I on mine…. this time we could both agree….. Financially this means I need to find a new renter asap because I could very well affort to live in a mansion myself instead of just a workplace from the total cost. But my heart is still not convinced… so again I am letting go… and trusting that a perfect solution will present itself…

And there are moments when panick comes over me and I think again about how stupid I must be to trust something on this big a scale to come together… but it always has before.. and it all honestyy… what is the worst that could happen? Or should I even consider such a scenario as possible… ?….. Let the Universe show me that I was stupid… for not folliwing my heart and dreams sooner… and let it show me how it really works.. .. and I can do this finallyh without any attachement to the outcome.. because even if it doesn’t work out…. it doesn’t change who I am…. it still made me stronger and more in surrender of my heart.. so whatever happens… I WIN!!

Light(e)ning up

For the past months… I have been feeling so depressed and down that nothing mattered anymore. Still it didn’t stop people from kicking me when I was down… I asked for help… and it didn’t come… just yet…. people I was depending on.. didn’t show up…. so I was at the end of my wits and a couple of times I seriously considered putting an end to it all….

Not out of pure mysery of my circumstances.. but a sheer lack of reason to go on… it was the strongest feeling I have ever had of just NOT wanting to be here. NOT seeing the purpose.. NOT wanting to go on and feeling abanoned by those I was hoping would be there for me. It has never been easy .. but never been this hard either…

I decided to stay and lay low… wait out the storm.. hope for a break in the weather.. that nor physically nor metaphorically ever came…. the gloomy days passed by and after a few months of it I had given up hope that it would ever stop.

Then quite unexpectedly.. and still inexplicable to me….about a week ago… on a fridaynight I walked outside to take the dog for its evening stroll when suddenly the memories of years ago flooded back into my awareness… Before with the help of Barbara Korte I had somehow managed to re-member certain aspects of my past and my connections to energies beyond this world but THIS time I didn’t just remember some of it… I felt it ALL… I felt their energy…. I felt who I was… why I am here… and what went on so many years ago that I lost contact with them out of my wish to do so…..

I remembered it ALL and I suddenly knew it ALL too…. Tears were streaming down my face that at least 20 years had passed and I had done so much but was unable to truly connect back to my essence… all the (spiritual) avenues I had travelled down..and even the channeling I have been doing.. suddenly seemed like childsplay… I could see how I had been stuck in the illusion of life for 20 years.. trying to fit in.. and never feeling at home. I could see my real purpose and how it made me feel at home and at peace.

I cried and understood how HARD it is to break free from the addiction of the third dimention… even for me.. it had been impossiblle to reconnect .. even though it was so much home to me.. I cried because I was afraid to loos it again… the feeling was real…and I knew it was.. as sure as I was standing there…. but I knew for 20 years my body had denied all of this out of fear and I wasn’t naief enough to believe that by magic it just had gotten back to it….

So I pleaded and begged to please never let me loose this connection and this feeling ever again… And of course I had a million question wanting answers.. why did I loose the connection? how can I stay connected? Why am i here? What am I to do?….

All I was told beyond feeling a total feeling of being supported and remembering this support was to be patiened.. To take this weekend and not be in contact with anyone.. don’t go anywhere and just let the energies work through me… during the day and the night…

I am not good at doing nothing so the idea of just sitting around doing nothing didn’t apeal to me much but I decided it was worth a try… So I just stayed at home all weekend.. I watched some series I wanted to catch up to… didn’t answer the phone…. and I really shouldn’t have looked at my email either.. but hey… gotta give the ego something right?…

I was hoping by magic I would feel connected all weekend .. but it was not the case.. as soon as I woke up the next morning the whole connection I had felt was gone… and for once I was able to let it go… to just allow things to unfold. By sundaynight I was rested, calm.. but still no connection and since the weekend was pretty much over…. I knew it was not going to be my instant fix.

Days went by and slowly but surely there would be more moments of rememberance..not long and not often but it seems I am on my way back.. or back and beyond.. A friend from an unexpected angle (thank you Marlene vd Mark for your help in manifesting dreams) showed up and helped me find my light and alignment again and even though even she didn’t promise me it would be an sudden change …

As a neutral person she could see what was going on and instead of having a judgement about it… could just listen and see and help me get passed it without getting attached to any outcome.. much is changing now and I can see how the difference between who I am and who I think the world exoects met to be, is great.

But I am starting to let go of this selfdoubt a little ….day by day…. not through any proceslll but by being present…and sometimes toning a bit. A few words from my sister, the help of a friend..and the knowing within, are taking me beyond where I was to a place unknown but nice… I see things falling into place.. one piece and one peace at a time…

But for now .. it is coming together.. and that is all that I could ever wish for.

Perfection

At my request of what needed to be shared at this moment. The following information came through me:

Earth is the most magnificent place to be. It has everything a human being can need. You are lucky to be who you are and where you are. It is sometimes believed that this evolution going on is the solution to the problems humans are facing…. but what if it is not? What is all that you think will be better in the future will not? What if this life, right now.. is the best hte Universe has to offer for you? What if this was true? Wouldn’t it be silly that you keep wishing for something else? Something better? Does that even exist? Maybe life as it is right now is meant to be enjoyes as if it is perfect. Because you don’t know what will be around the corner and if that what you long for will make you better.

Ask anyone who has reached all their goals in life already… is that what makes them happy? Is the enlightened one walking this earth happy because (s)he became the best (s)he could be? Got everything (s)he wanted? Gained everything (s)he needed?

If you ask these people they will tell you. THAT not anyTHING can’t bring fulfillment. It is the accepting of perfection right now, right here.. So stop whatever you are doing and ask: what makes this moment perfect? what does absolutely not need to change? what brings you total fulfillment right now? Practice this daily and you will get closer to the essence of enlightement. Because the path is a way to get to yourself and and what you have always been. It is a maze with no end and no beginning until you decide to step out and walk the beaten tracks no longer. Find your own path. No limitations, no goals.. just walking in perfection of the moment. Right now.

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So I did just that… of course at first I wanted to create perfection because looking around I couldn’t find the perfection they were talking about. Sow I figured I would grab the dog and lay with him on the couch to feel this perfection. But the dog did not agree to playing a part in my little fantasy of creating perfection so he was moving and playing to let me know that it might me my idea to do this, but it certainly wasn’t his.. so I decided I couldn’t trust him to provide me my perfect moment.. of course not!!

SO I just lay there with my own breath and my own body being comfortable with just laying there by myself and nothing but my own skin to create perfection… the dog lay himself to rest and let out a big sigh as he put his head on my chest. I guess he knew what I needed… I was the only one struggling to create something…

And while I lay there being comfortable with myself I thought of all the travelling I had done.. China, Suriname, Amerika, Hawaii, Finland, Italy, Germany, England, Scotland, South Africa, Malaysia and so many more.. and I realized how lucky I was. … and that any moment of any day I could recall these moments of bliss of visiting new places and cultures. But I rarely did. I seem to always be focussing on what is next? and what haven’t I achieved yet.. that I forget how much I have done in this lifetime.

Now it was time for me to let out a big sigh… and we just lay there.. for two hours.. doing nothing… but being in eachothers company…. dare I say… it was perfect? 😉

Rolling with the punches

Today I had another experience that made my face turn pale. I know for a fact that this blood withdrawing from my soul happened because I had a witness to the event. A punch that was given to me in words that litteraly took the warmth in my heart that I was regaining today.. and the glow in my eyes I felt…and punched it away to my gut that felt it needed to draw back into survival.

I didn’t understand. A list of accusations were thrown at me that I didn’t even understand let alone recognize as mine to own. What I rarely do.. is that I decided to respond right away and draw a line. No more.. blessings to this teacher…but no more……

As soon as I did this….. and after the after shock wore off…I felt a huge relief in my body. Not only did I understand the divine teaching but also see that no matter what accusation was thrown at me… I allowed it to be true by engaging in it…. that is what this is al about for me…..knowing that no matter what people think of me… none of it matters….only how I think of me.. matters!!!.. I could see how silly the accusations were and how it said so much of the other and so little about me. If this person would have known me at all or where I am at right now.. they would know that at this point…worrying about others is the last thing on my mind….

I could laugh at the situation and see how grateful I was for all these divine teachers helping my find the strength within… no more victim… no more punches…..in fact I offered the universe to hand me more punches just until they don’t hurt anymore… not because I want to become numb to the pain… but because I want to come to the point where I realize that anyone can attempt to hurt me.. but they can’t succeed unless I allow them to. Today for the first time… I didn’t allow it…

I know this whole situation occured because I am being more clear and for most people in my life that are not used to me doing that.. it is an enexpected change …. and some will experience this as me being dominant, pushy, or even think I want to gain power over others… but I now realize.. this is their projections to the new energy coming from me… change isn’t always easy.. especially when there are expectations…..powerful light must be frightening to experience .. it sure has been for me enough so that I don’t use it….. But I can see now that if I am being nothing but pure….even though that might not always be perkey and nice…..honesty can be a bitch…. My intentions however haven’t changed… I am still me.. but I am working on being the best I can be….and I have to honor me for that….. not second guess myself because others donn’t respond well to it. Not being and doing what is (in my opinion) best for the other.. but only what is best for me.

I saw my own reflection in the computerscreen… it was beautiful. I smiled and from the bottom of my heart I coudl say: I love you… You are beautiful. I love you!….

I think that is the first time I have ever truly meant these words to myself and isn’t funny what it took for me to get there…. This all happened in only a few hours time…. I felt the energy thrown at me.. I accepted and realized: this is not love.. and gave it back….thank you but.. not thanks.. and then I saw that no matter how this must be for the other to experience… it made the little girl inside me suprised and happy she was not silenced right away because ‘OMG what will others think of me’ … but I allowed mysefl to be.. regardless of how this must be for the other…. and for me it was beautiful and I am grateful for the other me being a vessel to help me see this…

Time to rock and roll with the punches

Starting over…

Depression….is letting go of pressure…..

And it seems that is what I have been doing: letting go of pressure.. pressure in such a broad sense and on so many levels that the only thing left to deflate is my unproportioned body.

Letting go of pressure and starting the proces over again…

Almost everything and everyone that I trusted and believed in I either had to let go or they let go of me… letting go of pressure to find myself underneath this false belief of selffworth based on what others say or think. It wasn’t fun and so painful at times that I was ready to call this incarnation quits. And not in the metaphorical way.. but the most litteral sense… I wanted out.

Many times I spoke it out loud, wished for it .. and meant it with all my heart… and just when I thought I had hit the bottom, I was surprised by another slap in the face making sure I would never go down the same path again by making the hurt so deep there simply was no where left to go…

And then friends appear in the most unlikely of places… and they show me… this new way of living and learning.. in harmony.. is real.. it exist.. but I have to be ready to let go of anything that pulls me back into the old.

It felt that in the proces of letting go.. I was dying in a sense.. a part of me was dying..a part that was very comfortable in the drama of push and pull of the third dimention… and in this body I will most likely never be free of the experience of it… but by letting go and trusting nothing but myself .. I am ready to jump into my multidimensional body where I can oversee more clearly and reach much deaper and experience much profounder.

But it is a scary place.. because in this place I have to stop caring what others thing of my person and my actions… and my need for people to like me is what has gotten me to the scum at the bottom of my earthly barrel. The need to be liked has given me much love and appreciation in return and I am very scared to lose anyone. THe fear of rejection and the loneliness I know make for an excellent combination to want people to like me.. and that is perhaps why they had to let me dowwn…. because with that false assumption I could never reach the real me inside…

Letting go of this need to be liked and thus being someone people might not like, is by far the scariest thing I have ever had to do.. and I have done many crazy scary things that most people take lifetimes to gather strenght to do.. but this is why it is the bottom of the barrel.. and this is why I have to go through it fi I am to leave this illusions we call our ‘life’ …

I am not there yet.. but I am going uphill now.. no struggle.. no fight… but in the darkness of a new creation… looking for the light within… I daily start to feel my cosmic connection stronger and I am actually becoming aware of my multidimensionality more and more.. there are times when I can actually see the illusion and in very small moments I can even influence that reality…

I am starting to understand.. but I don’t know where it is leading….. and the courage I need to find is to be ok with only knowing inside that I was put herre for a reason and I am here to represent a people, a reality and I will be available for the family of light to be reunited… but it will have to be my way… on my terms.. when I am reay… to just be….

This is by far the scariest thing I have ever had to do… and I can’t ask for support… I have to so it regardless of who agrees or not.. what they think of it or not.. and that is exactly what makes it so unbelievably vunerable and frightening…

But…. here we go!!

ps: I will keep this blog in English for my cosmic journey… for my earthly challenges I have decided to do a blog in Dutch in which I share my more earthly and often funny interpretations fo day to dya life on earth. Iris’ Tell Tales